Dave Barry Quotes

Buying the right computer and getting it to work properly is no more complicated than building a nuc...

In the old days, it was not called the Holiday Season; the Christians called it 'Christmas' and went...

Life is anything that dies when you stomp on it.

I would not know how I am supposed to feel about many stories if not for the fact that the TV news p...

It is a well-documented fact that guys will not ask for directions. This is a biological thing. This...

The four building blocks of the universe are fire, water, gravel and vinyl.

Panicky despair is an underrated element of writing.

Although golf was originally restricted to wealthy, overweight Protestants, today it's open to anybo...

Have you noticed that whatever sport you're trying to learn, some earnest person is always telling y...

The best baby-sitters, of course, are the baby’s grandparents. You feel completely comfortable entru...

The information encoded in your DNA determines your unique biological characteristics, such as sex, ...

Violence and smut are of course everywhere on the airwaves. You cannot turn on your television witho...

Aside from velcro, time is the most mysterious substance in the universe. You can't see it or touch ...

There comes a time in a man's life when he hears the call of the sea. If the man has a brain in his ...

If you're like most members of the Baby Boom generation, you decided somewhere along the line, proba...

We Americans live in a nation where the medical-care system is second to none in the world, unless y...

It was Public Art, defined as art that is purchased by experts who are not spending their own person...

I would not know how I am supposed to feel about many stories if not for the fact that the TV news p...

I want a pit crew... I hate the procedure I currently have to go through when I have car problems.

Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.

Geographically, Ireland is a medium-sized rural island that is slowly but steadily being consumed by...

Dogs feel very strongly that they should always go with you in the car, in case the need should aris...

All of us are born with a set of instinctive fears - of falling, of the dark, of lobsters, of fallin...

As you get older; you've probably noticed that you tend to forget things. You'll be talking with som...

It is a scientific fact that your body will not absorb cholesterol if you take it from another perso...

I would say that the single most important conclusion I reached after traveling through Japan as w...

Never assume that the guy understands that you and he have a relationship.

Miami drivers will attempt to pass you inside a car wash.

Flying from the U.S. to Tokyo takes approximately as long as law school.

The Internet: transforming society and shaping the future through chat.

Once again, we come to the holiday season, a deeply religious time that each of us observes, in his ...

Electricity is actually made up of extremely tiny particles called electrons, that you cannot see wi...

It always rains on tents. Rainstorms will travel thousands of miles, against prevailing winds for th...

I believe it was Shakespeare, or possibly Howard Cosell, who first observed that marriage is very mu...

Thanks to my solid academic training, today I can write hundreds of words on virtually any topic wit...

To an adolescent, there is nothing in the world more embarrassing than a parent.

Once again, we come to the Holiday Season, a deeply religious time that each of us observes, in his ...

If God had wanted us to be concerned for the plight of the toads, he would have made them cute and f...

Gravity is a contributing factor in nearly 73 percent of all accidents involving falling objects.

What, exactly, is the Internet? Basically it is a global network exchanging digitized data in such a...

You're only young once but you can always be immature.

If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will ...

Apparently he was not the sharpest quill on the porcupine if you get my drift.

Reading... a vacation for the mind....

Camping is nature's way of promoting the motel business.

What I look forward to is continued immaturity followed by death.

...light overcomes darkenss. A tiny match can illuminate the darkest room. As long as there is some ...

I can win an argument on any topic, against any opponent. People know this, and steer clear of me at...

Hobbies of any kind are boring except to people who have the same hobby. This is also true of religi...

You can say any fool thing to a dog and the dog will just give you this look that says, 'My GOSH, yo...

This is the funniest book I’ve ever held in my hands. --Dave Barry, Pulitzer Prize winning humorist ...

Passing the SAT: My personal theory is that it has to do with how much money you send them in the ma...

The simple truth is that balding African-American men look cool when they shave their heads, whereas...

He couldn't get into Harvard even if he had the dean's wife at gunpoint.

You should not confuse your career with your life.

I liked making people laugh, and I decided I was an atheist early on. My Dad was all right with that...

Guys are simple... women are not simple and they always assume that men must be just as complicated ...

Your modern teenager is not about to listen to advice from an old person, defined as a person who re...

Camping is nature's way of promoting the motel business.

I am not the only person who uses his computer mainly for the purpose of diddling with his computer.

Bill Gates is a very rich man today... and do you want to know why? The answer is one word: versions...

The problem with winter sports is that - follow me closely here - they generally take place in winte...

The Internet is the most important single development in the history of human communication since th...

We'll try to cooperate fully with the IRS, because, as citizens, we feel a strong patriotic duty not...

The problem with winter sports is that -- follow me closely here -- they generally take place in win...

There's nothing wrong with enjoying looking at the surface of the ocean itself, except that when you...

The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion or ethnic background...

Auto racing is boring except when a car is going at least 172 miles per hour upside down.

The leading cause of death among fashion models is falling through street grates.

We will then hear from the founder of the Mayo Clinic . . . Dr. Ted Clinic.

I believe that we parents must encourage our children to become educated, so they can get into a goo...

Don't you wish you had a job like mine? All you have to do is think up a certain number of words! Pl...

U.S. News Organizations observe the anniversary of September 11 with investigations about the nation...

As a child, I was more afraid of tetanus shots than, for example, Dracula.

Eating rice cakes is like chewing on a foam coffee cup, only less filling.

The only kind of seafood I trust is the fish stick, a totally featureless fish that doesn't have eye...

Perhaps you are thinking: 'But a tank costs several million dollars, not including floor mats. I don...

Skiing combines outdoor fun with knocking down trees with your face.

Natives of the Florida Keys often refer to themselves as Conchs, and for good reason: They have been...

Call me a proud American, if you want, but I truly believe that no other nation on Earth possesses t...

If a Greek woman tells you to do something, you do it.

Kakimi chertyami oni viigrali holodnuyu voinu?"This translates roughly to: "How the hell did these p...

We don't shoot somebody soon, I'm gonna forget how

maybe somebody finally shot the dog.

I love the Olympics, because they enable people from all over the world to come together and--regard...

I like the relaxed way in which the Japanese approach religion. I think of myself as basically a mor...

In the words of a very famous dead person, 'A nation that does not know its history is doomed to do ...

The Hawaiian language is quite unusual because when the original Polynesians came in their canoes, m...

When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution and...

Guys care about sports teams. I'm not talking about simply rooting; I'm talking about a relationship...

The reason is that you eat too many foods that are high in "calories," which are little units that m...

Palestinian and Israeli leaders finally recover the Road Map to Peace, only to discover that, while ...

You could be Charles Manson, or Hitler, or even a lawyer who advertises on television, and your dog ...

Other useful commands to teach your dog are 'stay,' 'heel,' 'remove your snout from that person's gr...

Oh, I'm not saying that alcohol is perfect. It has caused its share of problems. Russia is only one ...

In the kitchen, I turn on a TV set that has hundreds of channels devoted to every conceivable subjec...

At a national political convention, you have hundreds of people who consider themselves at least as ...

But if I hadn't shoved you off the boat back there,you'd be lost at sea now,wouldn't you? We'd all b...